Did you ever have one of those days where you just needed to put yourself to bed? I had such grand beginnings of a day. Morning meditation, yoga, hot shower, morning coffee on the back deck with my husband and dogs, a new audio book to listen to on the way to work...but then:
Hello PMS. Hello Grouchiness.
I was so grouchy about such stupid things. The way children spoke to each other at work. The neediness of an assistant. Tears forming for no reason. And a heaviness, a wave of tired that hit at around 2:15 that I couldn't shake.
I left work still trying to convince myself of a grand afternoon. I drove home debating with myself about whether or not to take the dogs to my favorite park. The internal dialogue annoyingly tossing the idea back and forth, "By the time I get home should I pack dinner first to bring with us since the walk usually takes an hour and a half? Should we eat before we go? By the time I get home, get dinner, pack the dogs and drive to the park will I have enough time to do the big loop?' and the other thoughts crept in, 'Goodness my back hurts. Why am I so tired? I am totally PMSing. I friggin' hate this. But I should go walk. I know I will be happy once I walk." I spent half my ride home thinking about this. What was wrong with me? Even my internal dialogue was making me crazy. I couldn't turn myself off.
The moment I got home the tiredness was so prevalent and the aching in my lower back so intense I just went in the backyard to the swing. There was sunshine and dog love and even green leaves. Lawn mowers and weed wakers could be heard every few houses. It was peaceful and still early enough to set off to the park.
But bed also sounded so great. My inner voice whispered, 'just go to bed'. But I wouldn't be that girl. That person who can't flipping handle an afternoon on a perfectly good day. I was going to try this out. I hate thinking that I didn't make the best use of my time.
By the time my husband came home I let him know that although I had the best of intentions, my body wasn't wanting to do what my mind had set out to do. Lets just try to have dinner and then maybe go for a walk. And apparently, in the meantime, subconsciously, try to read my mind so I don't have to say words because when I do they come out annoyed for no reason.
Which wasn't too long before sharp tones slipped out to my husband who didn't hear what I said twice. Side note- I hate repeating myself.This is at all times, not just when I am feeling like I am today. I repeat myself all day long with children (developmentally appropriate for them) and I hate doing it when I come home. So when I had to do it with him twice and he wasn't hearing me, I lost it. And he gave me that look like, "Why was she so crazy just now?" Because I am overreacting and I'm grouchy. There was no reason for me to have a sharp tone. I just didn't have the energy for a filter.
As we ate dinner my internal dialogue was awful. So much so that I made myself nauseous and didn't finish my dinner. I asked politely if there was a Red Sox game on that my husband could watch tonight. And then I did the only reasonable thing to do when one goes into these types of horrible hormonal moody modes.
I put myself to bed. I gave in. I helped myself and those around me.
I went upstairs and slipped into our comfortable bed, got my headphones, and meditated for an hour. I put a heating pad on my lower back to ease the ache. It didn't fix it but it was nice to be by myself in the quietness, stillness, and oneness of the day. This is what I needed today. It was beautiful outside and walks make me happy most everyday but not today. I needed to put myself to bed.
I know everyone has days like this. Not this carbon copy but days where you have this awareness that your patience filter is low and things are just off. Don't get me wrong either, I still had a good day. I know I have a blessed life with people that love me. I live an awareness and gratitude of my abundance. I dream and make adventures with each passing day. But today, I just needed to get the hell away from everything and be in bed. And some days, thats okay too.
Brittany Courchesne is an early childhood educator, teacher mentor to teachers in training, public speaker, and blogger.